Every single spring without exception, your failing university newspaper will publish a bucket list of things you should do before graduating, and it's always lame shit like "Share a slice with your best friends: Imagine how bonkers it'll be if the only relationship you have with your father is a black-and-white photo of a solider your mom gave you as a child, but you're pretty sure she just fished it from a garage sale bargain bin to shut you up! Have I ever steered you wrong? Now, you can spend the time you would have spent writing about how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and use it to drink cent wells at your local dive and wake up hangover-free. If nothing's convinced you so far, just trust me as a person. Henry Walden-type next to the dinosaur skeletons in his tchotchke -filled office is way juicier. And dude, I don't even have daddy issues! When it's between consenting adults, do you know how glorious it is to explore such a fun power dynamic difference?
Enjoy it now, you blithe fuckers, because neither recklessly inexpensive alcohol nor a high head-pain threshold will last past graduation. Decades of fucking, babe. He's been having sex longer than you've been alive, and he's gonna be so psyched to touch a breast not yet affected by the earth's gravitational pull. The flaxen-haired, visor-wearing frat bros you insist on allowing to penetrate you on the weekends. Sometimes you'll have to wear an earth-toned, boiled-wool cardigan and talk about the weather. I'll even put the video here for you to save you the three seconds it'd take to smash that mf Google button: Have I ever steered you wrong? How old are you, anyway? There's a reason that searching anything related to "professor-student" porn returns about a million results. Older guys just know how to throw it back How long have you been having sex? But my point is that you think you're doing something great in bed when you're really just a wet sack of garbage, talent-wise. If you're an underclassmen, you still have a few semesters to make this happen. But either way, you'll need a rolodex of amusing stories about your extracurricular life that makes the people who see you for 8-plus hours a day go, "Damn, she's been there. Sitting in a lecture and knowing the dude in front of you droning on and on about oxbow lakes and metamorphic rocks or whatever has had sex with you on the very desk he's tapping for emphasis is a feeling akin only to freebasing heroin and Sephora's annual 20 percent-off sale for VIB members. My dad is not only around, but a really great guy! And dude, I don't even have daddy issues! Having sex with your professor is the best college experience you could have Fuck football games and student government by Amanda Ross Queue up Vitamin C's "Graduation" before you start reading this. What could be hotter?! Plus, there's the in-class factor. Henry Walden-type next to the dinosaur skeletons in his tchotchke -filled office is way juicier. It's practically one of Newton's Laws: College students, I'm talking to you. There's just no way a man can look you in the eye and pass back your essay on confessional poetry marked with a scarlet C- knowing full well he had his mouth on your actual genitals the night before. Sometimes they'll be really fun and you'll end up doing coke off a toilet seat with Steph from HR. Every single spring without exception, your failing university newspaper will publish a bucket list of things you should do before graduating, and it's always lame shit like "Share a slice with your best friends: Say what you will about the vitality of juvenilia, but it's a simple fact that the more you do something, the better you'll be at it. Now, you can spend the time you would have spent writing about how the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell and use it to drink cent wells at your local dive and wake up hangover-free.
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